Our founder is a guest on Sara Davison's podcast
An intimate conversation about how lived and working experience drives the passion and purpose behind
Brighter Future Mediation
Read the full episode transcript here
So yeah, I think it’s um it’s an opportunity. It’s an opportunity to get things done quicker, you save time, you
save money, you know, you pay for one mediator rather than two solicitors, and you can have it made legally binding at
the end. So whilst all the sessions are confidential, if at the end you’ve come up with a parenting plan and you want it made into consent order or you’ve made a
financial agreement, you can have it looked over by your your um legal team or by our legal um partners and make it
legally binding. I want will say one thing about that though is lots of people want to go to family court to be
right like I need them to see that they’re wrong and I’m right and that they need to do that or they think that
once they have a court order everything’s solved. The bottom line is you can’t control anyone else. And a lot of people actually statistically stick
to agreements they’ve made in mediation rather than by a judge.
Welcome to the Heartbreak to Happiness Show with Sar Davidson. If you’re struggling with a breakup and you feel
shocked, angry, betrayed, devastated, or sad and alone, then this podcast is for
you. Best-selling author and award-winning host Sar Davidson shares how you too can get on with your life to
heal, grow, and move from heartbreak to happiness. Here’s your host, Sar
Davidson. Welcome back to the show. Now, today I
am super excited to have Rebecca Vakovich on the show. Now, I’ve chosen
Rebecca as my guest because she not only demonstrates a pain to power story of
trauma to complete transformation in her own life and being a survivor of domestic abuse, she’s overcome many
serious issues and challenges in her life with complete bravery. But she’s also built a business out of this. So
from being homeless, from suffering, from binge eating, to be able to set up a mediation company, helping people
navigate that really tough part of divorce where you’re separating
everything, but you need to take that legal advice. She set up a company called Brighter Future Mediation, which
she’s going to talk to you about, which I’m super excited to hear about. So I am very excited to welcome Rebecca to the
show. Welcome, Rebecca. Sara equally excited to be here and hoping that by
finally sharing it’s probably the first time I’ve actually shared some of this publicly that hopefully um it can kind
of support people who might be struggling at the moment to u remember they can find a way through. So yeah,
excited to be here. Thanks Dora. No, well welcome. Welcome. So tell me a
little bit and share your story if you don’t mind about how you got into this because I know your early start in life
was was pretty tough, wasn’t it? So would you mind sharing that with us? Yeah, sure. Um, so I grew up in a kind
of farming village in the middle of nowhere and um in quite a high conflict household. Um, my parents then divorced
and separated at 11 and I ended up uh homeless at 16 which was obviously quite
terrifying. Um, and that period, although I didn’t realize it at the time, actually was the fundaments of
thinking about survival, but it also kind of planted seeds of empathy and resilience that kind of underpin my work
and why I’ve chosen to do this work. At that time, it was ironic because at one point I was, you know, studying and
helping other people and then my whole life, my whole personal life was kind of treacherous and and kind of crazy. And
at that point um well from around the age of eight actually I started developing binge eating disorder which
was a real kind of um prominent feature of my life. Um so throughout the chaos
of that work was always my salvation. So I wanted to save the world as a lot of
people do who experience trauma and so my first postgrad job was working in prisons. Then I moved to probation. But
I went on to specialize working with perpetrators of domestic violence. And
um through that time frame, 11 years I spent working in family courts and
running accredited programs and writing risk and vulnerability assessments. And throughout this time I really saw the
impact that family court has on individuals, family units and really like the wider community as well. Um, so
I trained as a family mediator in 2019 and I thought that’s the way to kind of culminate all of my working and lived
experience. Uh, but I just couldn’t afford it. I couldn’t afford to do the portfolio. I was a single mom. Um, so I
just carried on and went into project management. Um, and then last year I had
some kind of significant health issues. Uh, kind of uh one of those pivotal
moments and I just like I’m not happy. I was in a hospital bed not knowing if I was going to make it out kind of looking
over the terms and I was like I I need to I need to do something I’m passionate
about again and therefore kind of bringing the project management the lived experience
um and the mediation to develop brighter future mediation and I guess our main
aim is to be accessible uh affordable and wholly online so that people can you
know access services when they really need it. um and to help help people avoid family court. Really, sorry.
I mean, what what a story. I’m gonna come on and talk about your business that you’ve created because I think it’s
quite incredible. But to be homeless at 16, already struggling with binge eating
from the age of eight. How did you manage to at that point cope? I mean,
obviously being out on the streets at 16, um, as a as a anyone is going to be
tough, but as a a young girl, how did you manage that? And, you know, where
did you go? Who who helped you in those scenarios? And how did you get through that?
Yeah, it was kind of um when I reflect back on it, I don’t know. What I what I
do know is the police tried to put me in a hostel with um support from children’s
services. And I had read a few weeks before in the local paper someone had been stabbed with a needle. I was like, “I’m not going there.” And they were
like, “You have to go there. You have to go there.” Luckily, one of my aunts let me stay for two weeks. And in that time, I went to my my I just started my A
levels actually at college cuz I’m one of the youngest in the year. I went off and printed loads of adverts basically
begging for a room and ended up privately renting. I found out I could claim some minimal housing benefit and30
a week. I think it was £32 a week. And I actually found this woman who took a chance on me, lived with her. And then
two years later, I went to uni. First person in my family to go to uni to leave the area. I went to London and I
worked all throughout uni. I used to work in services with children with disabilities to earn money whilst I was studying. Um, I think my bloody
mindedness and my tenacity that some people do struggle with at different points in my life is the reason I made
it out. Um, I’m not going to say that I’ve felt like that at every moment of my life, but there’s a driving force
inside where I can’t accept it if it, you know, I cannot accept that it’s going to be that way. And I think that’s
probably what has propelled me. I also think that um I have built a village
throughout my life um of people who accept and love me. They accepted and
loved me at 29 stone. I’m now half that and they still love and accept me through the phases of my life. And I
think that’s the key is to, you know, I tell my daughter, she’s 11, I say, “Your
tribe is your mind.” So you keep people around you who have a similar mindset and they’re your tribe. And that’s how
it works. And I think that’s probably one of the main things. Um Yeah. And trying to seek help when you need it,
realizing when you need help and getting help. Yeah. It’s difficult to ask for help
though, isn’t it? when you’re down at that at that level and like struggling from being homeless and not having
support and I guess in your story someone took a chance on you which is amazing and it just shows the value and
that how lifech changing and pivotal it can be when someone complete stranger even reaches out and offers help which
is is incredible and it’s great to know that there’s people like that out there who who will do those things and
obviously for you you went and you worked super hard and worked all the way through university again in a really
caring profession helping children with disabilities which again is is incredible and then you touched on your
weight loss journey there as well. Um, yeah, talk to us a little bit about that
because I know that there will be people listening who and I know with any breakup, you know, quite often it
triggers lots of different things. Either you don’t eat at all or you eat a lot, you know, so there will be people very familiar with with like the binge
eating and struggling with their weight. Te tell us a little bit about how what happened on your journey there if you
don’t mind sharing that. Yeah, definitely. Um, so I think disordered eating is actually really
common. Whether it meets diagnostic criteria is something else. But a lot of us have an emotional relationship to
food. Um, and I became obsessed with food at the age of eight with the conflict at home and being bullied at
school because I was fat at which point actually I was just very tall. I’m like six foot now. So I was just very tall.
But in the village, you look different. You’re different. That’s who you are. So I used to come home and hoard food
and obsessed. And that continued when I was 11. I was 11 stone. I remember I was
16. I was 19 stone. And then it continued until I was 29. So I was
diagnosed with depression. I was on medication. I was diagnosed with anxiety. Um but I, you know, it was very
clear I had a significant eating disorder. You don’t get to 29 stone at the age of 29. And lots of different
things happened throughout that time. So I had therapy. Some of it made it worse, some of it made it better. So it’s
really important to get the right help and the right person. Um, so I went
through different kinds of therapy. I, um, basically, to be honest, the main
thing that triggered it for me, I think, is I was told I couldn’t have kids. And I just really wanted to be a mom. Um,
and that was when I was about 24, and they said definitely not at your weight and with other things. It’s just not
realistic. I became pregnant at 29 unexpectedly. and I lost 10 stone
throughout my pregnancy because for some reason in my head, my different way of thinking now I know to be
neurodyiversity um was I’m only eating for the baby so I’m just eating what the baby needs and
it was no longer about me. Um had my daughter still had an eating disorder so
gained about four stone back and then one day I just saw my daughter crawling across the floor. She was so muscly and
strong and I felt really proud and I was like I wish I’d had that like I wish my mom had had the capacity to to do that
and I was like you know what I’ve let it go and literally within a week I went to
my doctor to come off anti-depressants. I left uh that relationship which was abusive and I started training in the
gym and I went on to lose 15 stone in total. Um, and I never, it was never
about losing weight, though. I’ve got to say that. It wasn’t, and I know everyone focuses on that. It really was about me
making a choice to be in control of my body and to, you know, see how strong I
am. I used to go to the gym just to see like, oh my god, I’m stronger than that guy, you know, because I am really tall
and stuff. So, um, yeah, it wasn’t one single thing and it rarely is, but never
give up on yourself. Never ever. And I do a little bit 1% better every day. So,
you know what? As long as some days 1% better is getting out of bed and some days 1% better is signing a contract or
getting a new job, but do something each day and then at least you’re moving
because, you know, life is a roller coaster, isn’t it? Absolutely. And and what a really
inspiring message, Rebecca. I think I I think I’ve heard this a lot on my podcast actually. It can often be having
a baby, having a child, and watching them. And you mentioned watching your daughter crawl across the floor and then
you had that realization. You know, as parents, we’ll often do more for our kids than we will for ourselves. And
sometimes it sort of lights that spark. And you know, I was in an abusive relationship. My son was born and then
obviously that all fell apart. And I was out of it. And even getting up in the
morning, as you say, at that point, I was devastated. I was heartbroken. But because I had my son, I used to get out
of bed because obviously he needed me and there was a reason and a purpose which wasn’t what it used to be. But
suddenly that was what my only purpose in life. Um and I think it’s really fascinating that children can really
have such a big impact on us, can’t they? When you become a mother, suddenly your whole reality shifts and you have
other priorities. Is that how you see it? Uh yeah, definitely. And I’m also really
conscious of being a single parent and being a single mom. So I’ve worked
really hard with someone who’s very tricky to work with to make sure my daughter has a relationship with a
paternal family. Uh but that has come at some cost to myself and I think learning the boundaries of how much to keep
yourself safe but also make sure you’re giving enough to your child, giving them a fair shot because you know kids have
rights and parents have responsibilities. That’s the way it is. and one of their rights is to enjoy their parents if it’s safe to do so. Um,
so you know, I find it full of moral dilemmas. I, you know, is she not having enough male role models around her? Is
she, you know, I’m her source of everything. So, you know, I am the chef, the debater, the, you know, so I feel
like it can be quite intense and I need her to be independent. So, it it’s just a totally different experience. It’s
definitely not a oneperson job. So without my very very close friends and family, but mainly my friends because I
live far from my family now, still in London, never left. Um without them, I
definitely know that I wouldn’t be here. Um and you know, they’ve been long-standing friendships now, 15, 20,
25 years. And we’ve all been through different things. You know, been through divorce, separation, cheating, IVF, you
know, menopause, all of this stuff going on. Um but yeah, I think uh the the duty
to give everything, but also I don’t want my daughter to see a martr. I also have my own life and I prioritize my
fitness. I prioritize work. Sometimes she has to wait and I feel like it’s made her wellrounded. We’ll see. We’ll
find out in a few years, but for now, how old is she now? She’s nearly 12. Just started secondary
and just astonished me with her resilience. Um can’t believe that she’s just off and gone. So yeah,
I love it. Well, congratulations. I mean, it only, and I think this is really reassuring for a lot of people, it only takes one
healthy parent for your child to learn the difference between right and wrong and to be balanced and stable and able
to have healthy relationships. I think a lot of us when we first realize we’re in
a toxic relationship or we’re just coming out of it feel really guilty that we’ve had that relationship and that the
other parent isn’t as healthy as we would have preferred. should we put it that way? And um I think actually the
the reassurance comes from the fact it doesn’t matter if you’re healthy, if you’ve got good morals, good values, if
you are an unconditional source of love for your child and you’ve learned some tools to enable that relationship as
long as it’s safe to do so. And I think that’s a big area there of greyness um as to what is safe. Um but but
ultimately if it is safe for that child to have that relationship, then how do you enable that? And as you say, it does
come at a personal cost to us. Um, absolutely 100% because you’re
constantly having to juggle which battles to pick and which battles not to and what to let go of and what to what
to do. And actually, I’m I’m writing my my next book at the moment. I just finished it actually. And and there’s,
you know, the co-parenting and the parallel parenting options that people talk about are just not possible with a toxic ex. And it’s, you know, I put that
on social media the other day and someone came at me saying, “Yes, it is. It’s a really good idea.” And I’m like, in an ideal world, but have you actually
tried to do this with a toxic ex? I can tell you if you can’t agree on the little things, then there’s no way
you’re going to agree on the big things. They’re saying parallel parenting is the other option is crazy in my mind. But
anyway, it’s it’s one of those things. And it sounds like you’ve done an amazing job. Um, and I think sometimes
you just have to keep going, don’t you? If you’re a single parent and those people listening will know sometimes
there’s good days, sometimes there’s bad days, but ultimately we have to keep going for our kids and that is our
driving force very often. Now you touched on domestic abuse there. I know you’ve worked in domestic abuse in the
past. Can you tell us a little bit about your experience working in that field? Yeah. So, um I began in my 20ies working
for domestic domestic violence intervention project which was one of the first violence prevention programs
that was accredited in the UK by respect and um there were different referral
sources but it was anyone who had perpetrated um domestic abuse. So we
would go through a process with them sit down with them do uh in-depth analysis and assessments. We’d do inventories of
their behavior and then they would embark on a six-month intervention program. It was very intense. We also
always would have linked partner services because some people still in relationships, some were separated. And
so, you know, it would always be this thing where they would come and they’d present one way and you would hear from the partner services, oh, he he tried to
strangle her yesterday or he sent her a threat or, you know, and and I think for me, I wanted to work with perpetrators
because I believe if you don’t solve the source of the risk, they will have 5 10 15 20 relationships and then that’s a
lot of people and a lot of families and a lot of kids potentially involved. Um, I
learned a lot of things about masculinity and I learned a lot of things about all of the different
structures that support, you know, different levels of abuse. I also just
felt that with all that knowledge, I could never end up in that scenario myself. And I know everyone says that, but legitimately my whole job was
working every single day with these men. Um, and then ironically, I did end up in
that scenario. It’s only actually been recently where I’ve accepted him as one
of the people that do that. And it was one of my colleagues where I was explaining something and she said, “Why are you surprised? This is typical
perpetrator behavior. You know, they’re no longer able to control you in this way, so they do this.” And I’m like,
“Yeah, but yeah, she’s like, there’s no butts. It doesn’t mean that you’re a victim.” Because that’s the thing that I was struggling with. And having seen,
you know, people’s whole lives turned up, I feel resilient to that. I feel like I’m I’ve coached myself. I’m okay.
But, you know, it is what it is. And, um, there’s subtle abuse. Obviously, lots of people talking about coercive
control now as well. Um, and, you know, it’s closely linked to sexual violence and sexual abuse. So um yeah, I think
that early intervention is the key actually in terms of having healthier
relationships generally and that’s why I actually started working with a startup charity called LMK let me know who are
fantastic trailblazers writing exceptional programs it’s very simple it’s 10 healthy signs 10
unhealthy signs and I work with them from 2021 from startup going into stores delivering these programs delivering it
the staff and I saw the differences and I saw the conversations and teasing out that misogyny. It was already there. You
know, they’d have scenarios like if your partner constantly asks you to change your clothes before you leave, is it
abusive? And know we’d be on a continuum. We have those chats. I really wish that I’d had access to something
like that and and you know to learn about boundaries that that’s not being rude and that’s not being abrasive or
being too much. actually that’s as long as you’re you’re able to express it in a
way that is you know conducive then actually that’s your right isn’t it and then your job is to uphold them. So, I
learned so much. Um, but what I really also felt was that the child’s voice
wasn’t heard much. Hey, it’s Sara here just to remind you that we have free online support groups
where you can find your tribe and get coaching support from my elite team coaches to help you with any kind of
breakup, divorce, separation, toxic relationship breakdown. Get your questions answered and get the boost you
need. Also, if you’d like to join our coaching community and turn your pain into your superpower and become a
breakup and divorce coach with us, then you can also find the details on my website.com.
We look forward to seeing you soon. the child’s voice wasn’t heard much and I
think that’s why I move towards mediation as well because first of all stopping it before it gets to that point
but also there’s child inclusive mediation where they actively engage children and that becomes the agenda for
the parental mediation so it can only be focused on what the kids have said the children have said um so I think that’s
what kind of pulled me into that direction kind of trying to get in there early and you know set communication on
a better track Having said that, not all cases are suitable for mediation. So yeah.
Well, talk talk about that because you know obviously domestic abuse
um situations if you go into a you’re a normal mediation process. There’s just
to to explain there there’s the you perpetrator and the mediator usually in
a room or on the Zoom session. And ultimately mediation is the mediator’s job is to find a compromise, get
agreement from the group, from the from the couple or ex couple. Um, in my mind
with mediation that can be quite dangerous with an abuser because it’s open to manipulation. They can show up
being very charming. Um, they can manipulate. I know I had my own experience of mediation which was
actually very traumatic for me. Even though I’d had a meeting before, as you do in my arms, with the mediator and
explain my situation, they would reassure me that there was no going to be no domestic abuse, but because it was
so subtle, I guess, and the mediator wasn’t trained clearly in spotting the signs of domestic abuse, he it all went
over his head and I felt completely abused in that session. Yet, he had no
idea anything had gone on and was completely blindsided when I said that was absolutely unacceptable. Yeah. How
how can you manage those situations? Can mediation work in domestic abuse uh
situations? Because I’m I’m not convinced. Rebecca, I’m with you, Sara, and I share your
skepticism. Um it’s really multifaceted what you’ve said actually and they’re really important points and sadly I
think that that’s not a unique experience. So listen, mediation is not the perfect profession. We have a long
way to go. And one of the reasons I set up brighter future mediation is because when I was training, I just felt like I
didn’t fit. All the mediators have a certain demographic, let’s say, and often are ex barristers, you know,
working part-time, maybe part retired, and that there’s nothing wrong with that, but it doesn’t represent the vast
majority of the community. And so I feel like um
there wasn’t a focus on understanding domestic abuse. there was a focus on mediation and what’s happened in recent
years like the family mediation council currently are developing a in-depth toolkit for domestic abuse screening
frankly I think that that wasn’t there before and so people were left to their own judgments and if they have limited
lived experience you said it was a man I’m assuming you know probably a background in therapy or or um law
that’s you know we need diverse mediators is what I’m saying and so my our mediators are all diverse with their
lived experience and working experience. And my longerterm plan for a brighter future is actually to develop a program
um to enable people that can u remove the barriers for underrepresented groups
to actually train because that was my issue in 2019. I couldn’t afford to work for free for two days a week. I
couldn’t. So that’s the longerterm goal for us. That’s number one. Number two, there’s a legal obligation from 2014
that anyone making an application to court for children or finances has to attend a MYAM as you’ll know. And the
MYAM for anyone who’s not aware is a mediation information and assessment
meeting. So that’s like an hour with a mediator and what they’re supposed to do. They follow there’s the strict
format now. I don’t know if that was in place when we were there. Including domestic abuse screening. It also digs a
bit deeper than just screening. It’s more about power and control. It’s about
a delicate balance of if there was a history of domestic abuse. What is the situation now? How does the person who
survived that? How are they managing now? And how emotionally equipped do they feel to be able to express
themselves openly and safely? If that isn’t there, mediation can’t happen
because mediation only happens when the the balance of power is like this. it can’t work when it’s like that. So that
would be unsuitable and the mediator would say that that’s unsuitable. Now that’s for more kind of subtle um
domestic abuse or historical domestic abuse. If however there’s a current, you
know, or very recent escalation or or any kind of abuse or violence and there’s a record of that, then you can
be exempt from attending that in the first place. So any good mediation service if you called and and shared
that for us for example us ask we would help you fill out the form that you need to fill out in order to say to the court
look I I won’t be attending and this is the reason why so there’s 15 exemptions and that is one of them from attending a
so it’s you know the other thing I just wanted to point out that we came across a lot when I used to work with
perpetrators is survivors being refused mediation when they really wanted it
because they felt that it’d been so long or the dynamics have shifted so much that just labeling them as you’ve you’ve
been in this situation so now you can’t do this it forced them into court it forced them to have to self-represent or
get a McKenzie friend or get a solicitor and it dragged on average court case for
child arrangements is 43 weeks right now so that would then impact their life so
our service is holistic obviously I have a long and in-depth experience of domestic abuse and we have our own
toolkit that we use to to make sure we assess that um but that more work does
need to be done and I think the FMC you know they’ve acknowledged that they’re working on it. They had some funding and
it is in progress but that’s why we need diverse mediators as well. We need people that have actually come into
contact with people who are homeless, you know, people who have had drug issues or been in prison and and that’s
really um the passion behind the purpose really with this business. So yeah, it’s
not a yes or no. Can it work? Yes. But there needs to be appropriate safeguarding, appropriate screening and
you have to listen to the survivor. That’s the key. If at any point you had said in any session, I don’t feel good.
That should have been the end of the session. It can’t there’s no nothing can be gained when it’s in that you know
format. And I’m really sorry that you experienced that because when it works by works really
well. Yeah. I mean, mediation, I think, is a great tool to keep people out the family
court system, which isn’t, in my opinion, fit for purpose for victims of abuse and can actually retraumatize
them. And the research shows that that is the case for over 80% of survivors. I think one of the the challenges with
mediation is that even though we put these screenings in place, you know, if you’re not an expert in domestic abuse,
which you you you know, you don’t have to be if you’re a mediator because you’re a mediator, then you’re an expert at being a mediator, not necessarily an
expert in domestic abuse, you can put screening in place, but if it’s if it’s just a tickbox exercise where, you know,
it’s very hard to spot. We’re very good as survivors at covering up anything and we may not even know we’re in an abusive
relationship either. We may not have admitted it to ourselves. So again, expecting and putting the onus on
the victim to say I’m a victim of abuse. This isn’t okay and this is and this is that’s way too much. It’s just not
really viable for as a as a effective screening mechanism to put the onus on
the victim. But I guess it’s again can that mediator if they’ve got experience spot the flags? Absolutely. It
definitely helps if you have and you’ve had the training. Um yeah, I think we stick we stay away from
certainly at brighter future we don’t have any labels around it in terms well unless someone tells us but I wouldn’t
say survivor or victim to anybody but our screening questions are more like have you’ve ever felt hurt or scared
have you has there ever been anything physical that’s happened in the relationship when did that happen? Um
how do you feel about being in a room with that person now? What safeguards do you need in place? And you know we also offer shuttle mediation where you don’t
have to be in the same room as that person. There’s collaborative mediation where you can attend with your solicitor
and they can attend with theirs. And also um mediators are expected to have
an ongoing assessment of risk. So just because you had a myam and nothing came up if you’re in that room and what I
will say is working a good mediator having worked a long time you pick up on the most subtle you know you should
obviously that didn’t happen in your experience but you you like it shifts so delicately in that room that you have to
be able to respond immediately and we certainly have terminated cases mid session and the mediator takes
responsibility for that because they have their own duty of care. we have our own duty of care to our clients. So, we
take it really seriously and I would never expect um anyone to kind of have to label themselves all but you know but
we do ask those questions and we explain why because you can’t it won’t work because sometimes there will be someone
where it isn’t safe but they want to and the media has to say no if I can’t manage it safely.
So, you know, it’s a horrendous situation to be at the mercy of anyone else. You know, when you’re a survivor,
you’re you don’t choose any of that. You’re responding to them and family court and a request for mediation and
probably children’s services and your family. Like, you have all these things you have to deal with that were nothing to do with you. It’s it should be
located with the source of the risk, which is a person that does it, perpetrator. Um, we don’t live in a
perfect world, but I’m trying to make it better. And I’m certainly committed to having a safer alternative that’s
affordable and accessible because the other thing is lots of firms when it became legally um required trained half
their barristers basically as mediators as well so that they could cross refer you know whereas actually I think it’s
quite important to keep it separate from the legal process and have it as you know that space the safe space to kind
of talk through and see if you can come to an agreement and you know over 80% of our cases do So hopefully we’re doing
the right thing so far. Um, and we’re always open to changing and shifting and we will keep pushing forwards.
I think what you’re doing is really important. I think one of the challenges I’ve struggled with over the years and years that I’ve been doing this is you
don’t want to recommend to clients at all that they get into the family court system. One, because it’s incredibly
expensive and and it’s not capped and with an abuser, it can they throw grenades in and gaslights the whole
thing. you think, oh, it’s going to be x amount and your lawyer can give you an estimate. But with someone who’s
hellbent on causing maximum pain and suffering at any financial cost or emotional cost, and that’s the other
damage, you know, don’t don’t underestimate the emotional drain of going through the family court system
um and on your children as well and people close to you. It’s it’s absolutely devastating
um and makes you feel like you’re the only sane person in a lunatic asylum most of the time. Um that’s the
challenge that clients have. So I I’ve been sort of not wanting people to go to court but then going to mediation if
you’ve got someone who is not trained or not I mean even training the training level is is hard to train someone on
spotting the signs of domestic abuse. you can do it and raise awareness, but obviously they won’t be experts like for
example me and my coaches because there’s a depth of understanding here that one comes from being a survivor and
two comes from years of training and understanding and being immersed in that world. So like you being able to spot
the signs, you’ve got that ability because you’ve been through it whereas you know the training doesn’t touch the
sides on that and can’t give you that lived experience. So what I’m really excited about is that you you’re running
this mediation company now uh brighter future mediation which enables people
who are you know that don’t fit that norm sort of I suppose that the the barristers going in who don’t want to be
in that you know more diverse will be able to come along and feel accepted and
and fit in in that environment which is really important because in those environments you’ve got to feel comfortable it’s difficult enough as it
is um but then also coming through And having someone who can spot the signs of
domestic abuse, I think is is absolutely critical. And I think if you’ve got
this, like you said, there’s no perfect answer with the family court system or any of these systems. So if you can go
into mediation, have somebody like you who spot the signs and you can feel protected. I think that’s probably the
best way through. And I like the the collaborative or the hybrid approach where you’re not in the same room and
you’ve got your own legal team around as well. So we can make it legally binding at the end of that so that you can’t go
can’t roll back afterwards which again go through all the time and effort to sort of walk away with mediation and
then the perpetrator says actually I’m going to go to court anyway. So I I do like that. What what are your
thoughts? Yeah. And I think what people misunderstand or don’t necessarily know
about mediation, which is why I’m really trying to raise awareness by doing, you know, podcasts like this and talking to
people, is those sessions are legally privileged. And what that means is in
mediation sessions, nothing that is discussed can be used outside in family court. That’s a real no. And it allows
you to explore options that a judge just will not explore. They will not explore whether you want to you have them two
Christmases and they have them a holiday and you go about it. They’re not getting into that. They’re really not. The court system’s overburdened. They’re not
interested. They really are supposed to be focused on safeguarding. So if we’re talking about, you know, situations
where there isn’t an imminent safeguarding risk, mediation just allows you to explore things that actually work
for the family. And that’s I think the key to the child inclusive bit as well. I’ve seen that that is transformative
because you can’t argue with that. So you can come in the mediation and you’ve got your agenda and they’ve got theirs and that’s the way it is. That’s normal.
But once the child’s voice is in the center of it, the media is not going to deviate from that. So that becomes the
focus of improving communication and also mediation is forward focused. So it
is not just about now and tomorrow. It’s like reality testing this. How is that going to work when they have a new partner or you have a new partner? What
if you want to, you know, christen the child? you know, whatever it is, whatever life stage you’re at, you know,
it’s about what are the goals. You know, do you want to be at graduation and you’re both stood at totally separate ends and you can’t say, you know, your
kid has to choose or do you want a different way? And if you want a different way, mediators are skilled in
bringing that about. Um, and that’s the majority of cases because thankfully, you know, the the cases that aren’t
suitable hopefully, certainly not with us, will not make it through to mediation, especially if there’s risk issues involved in that. Um, so yeah, I
think it’s um it’s an opportunity. It’s an opportunity to get things done quicker. You save time, you save money,
you know, you pay for one mediator rather than two solicitors. And um you can have it made legally binding at the
end. So whilst all the sessions are confidential, if at the end you’ve come up with a parenting plan and you want it
made into consent order or you’ve made a financial agreement, you can have it looked over by your your um legal team
or by our legal um partners and make it legally binding. I will say one thing
about that though is lots of people want to go to family court to be right. Like I need them to see that they’re wrong
and I’m right and that they need to do that or they think that once they have a court order everything’s solved. The
bottom line is you can’t control anyone else. And a lot of people actually statistically stick to agreements
they’ve made in mediation rather than by a judge. It’s more enforcement of orders where the judge has made the order. And
that’s because people don’t, you know, they think they’re going to get that. They get that the judge says something they don’t like. And then what you going
to do? Pay £500 to make an or 300 to make an application every time you disagree to go in front of a judge again
and they tell them off or they find them 100 quid. Like you can’t live like that, you know? We have to we have to find a
way and sometimes that way is no way. If it is a risk, there are some people that should not have contact with their
children. That’s just the way it is. There’s no solution to that. But for the vast majority where there needs to be
some contact for the child’s benefit, we have to figure a way of of, you know,
safeguarding and allowing that process to happen. And that’s that’s kind of where we come in. I think
I think it’s it is music to my ears to hear that there’s sort of real in-depth
understanding in with a mediation firm. Tell us what’s next for for your company
and and and if people are listening, how do they get hold of you? Do you work with anyone from anywhere in in the UK?
Tell us tell us more about who you look after. Good point, Zara. So, yeah, we cover the
whole of the UK. We’re fully online and we have mediators um around the UK. Um
we provide not only family mediation, we also provide workplace mediation. So you
know avoiding tribunals and you know hopefully before grievances or during grievance processes. U workplace
mediation is really really successful as well. 93% according to CDR CEDR um 93%
reach agreement on the day or shortly after. So, um, our goal is to, um, raise
awareness of the benefits of mediation and the process so that people can see
whether it’s something that is or isn’t viable, um, without having to, you know, go to lots of different places, speak to
lots of different people. So, number one is raising awareness. Number two is to become the leading provider of mediation
in the UK, any kind of conflict resolution, civil, commercial, workplace, family. Um, our longer term
plan, as I mentioned, is to partner with people who are underrepresented. Um, and I would love, you know, my dream
would be to get a government contract with people that are currently out of work and interested in mediating and to
be able to provide, you know, a one-year program where they get accredited at the end and that, you know, they they get to
benefit from an inclusive um and open service, but at the same time, you know,
have the ability to make some money while they’re doing it. people can’t work for free in this climate. Well, they can, but there’s only very rich
people can do that and that’s not who we need. We need everyone to be represented. That’s a longerterm plan.
And also, I guess just to partner with people like yourself, Sara, people who
share our values and our mission around helping people recover from trauma, move past conflict, and, you know, thrive.
So, um, being able to provide a holistic service. So, when someone comes to us, everyone is different and every family
is different. So, we take the time to say, “Okay, right now you might not need mediation. You might need a solicitor,
but you might need this, or you might need a divorce coach, you might need a therapist, you might need a financial planner.” But, so it’s like a one-stop
shop. They know that when they’re being um supported, they’re going to get that same level rather than having to kind of
research and put their finger in the air and just hope that that person’s really good. Um, so partnerships is really
important as well. Um, and yeah, I think that’s that’s the main goal for anyone.
Where can people find Brighter? Yes. Where can people find Brighter Future Mediation? Where do they go to find you?
So, you can find us online at our website www.brighter
futuremed mediation.co.uk. So, super easy. Um, you can also find us
on Instagram, Tik Tok. I know, bear with me because I’m just learning the ropes of Tik Tok, but yeah, Instagram, Tik
Tok, Facebook, and LinkedIn. all as brighter future mediation. So, uh
whatever your preferred method is and anyone can give us a call for a free consultation. So that’s uh 0333
2 4 08038 and that also includes employers because
the other people that are miss and I know you do a lot of work around this Sara is when people are divorcing and separating the impact it has on their
work and that can be treacherous obviously if that then leads to not working it’s a whole different ball
game. So employers, if you are noticing that someone is struggling with a family
issue, it doesn’t just have to be children or finances, send send them our way, give them a number, they can have a
free consultation, it’s confidential, and we’ll just make sure that they’re going in the right direction to get what they need.
So that means if if it’s not helping them with resolving issues from the workplace, it’s the workplace would
refer to you so they could have mediation paid for by the workplace or how does that tie in?
Well, it’s actually both because obviously if you’re having conflict at work, we do workplace mediation, but
that’s quite well known. So people in HR know that, you know, if there is an issue, they can contact right and and
that workplace can happen. But I think where we miss a trick sometimes is as managers or you know dayto-day coming
into contact you notice something’s different. Maybe you know they’re getting divorced but it hasn’t been spoken about but then you notice the
impact is having is you know one thing you can do is refer to us and and let that person have
half an hour to kind of speak through where they’re at and help us point them in the right direction. Maybe they need mediation, maybe they need therapy,
maybe they need a divorce coach. let let’s find out what they need instead of just letting it go on and on and then it
becomes a real issue. So yeah, basically turning any conflict into resolution is
kind of what we’re about. Um and hoping yeah to move people forwards.
All right. Well, thank you Rebecca. You’ve given us so much useful information and it’s really inspiring to
see someone that’s, you know, gone through so much like you have and be able to achieve so much which well done to you because I think what you’re doing
is really inspiring and I know that it really is going to help so many people out there. I’ve got one final question
for you that I ask all my guests on my podcast which is called Heartbreak to Happiness as you know. So what is
happiness for you Rebecca? Happiness for me is being content that
everything I need is already in me. So not having a kind of you know feeling a
lack of just have you know reminding myself getting back to myself and just remembering at the worst of times and I
tell my daughter this as well don’t rely on everything else like what you need is there because you know you’ve made it
this far and so have I so everything we need is in us even if it’s not there that moment just wait it out everything
changes um but you’re resilient it’s all there. Yeah I love that. I love that it’s
really true. everything you need is you already have. I think once you sort of have that cuz we are survivors to get
through everything as you know in your journey from being homeless and you know having your eating disorder to never
being able to get pregnant and now having a gorgeous daughter and and you guys you know doing super well is
amazing and now setting up this incredible business brighter future mediation which I recommend if you are
dealing with a tough situation reach out to Rebecca give her a call go on the website check it out and just see if she
can help you because going to someone who really gets what you’re going through can make all the difference. But
thank you, Rebecca, for coming on today, for sharing your story and for sharing some really useful information and thank
you for being a fabulous guest. Thank you, Sara, and thank you everyone for listening. Um, yeah, best of all.
Thank you. That’s it for today’s episode. Make sure to like and follow and subscribe and all
the good stuff. And I very much look forward to you joining me on our next episode.
[Music] That’s it for today’s episode of
Heartbreak to Happiness. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review to win a free ticket to Sara’s virtual Heartbreak
to Happiness retreat. This is a transformative combination of live webinars with Sara herself, coupled with
her empowering online video program designed to help you cope better with your breakup and start feeling happy
again. Thank you and join us again on the next episode for another dose of
heartbreak to happiness. [Music]
In this powerful conversation with Sara Davison, recognised as the world’s leading divorce and separation coach, we explore:
The intersection of professional expertise and lived experience- specifically, what it means to have worked within the family court system for years, then having to navigate it personally as a parent
How personal adversity- including mental health challenges and homelessness- shaped her approach to conflict resolution
Why family mediation offers a more constructive path for families in transition
This episode is for anyone navigating conflict at home or work, or supporting someone who ie.
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